Nine Invisible Barriers to a Civilized Divorce

Making the decision to get a divorce or coming to grips with our spouse's decision to divorce is never easy. However, once we finally accept that our marriage is headed for a divorce, we find ourselves facing the next difficulty. Since most people don't like anguish or wasting our money, the next difficulty is to minimize the pain and cost of divorce.

We want to get the settlement that we deserve, without having to waste time, energy, and money to get it. The best way to achieve this is to accomplish a friendly out-of-court settlement as quickly and easily as possible. To do so we must be able to persuade our soon-to-be ex to work with us in obtaining a cooperative resolution - one that is to our liking.

Invisible Set

Before being able to reasonably expect to do this, we must be aware of the invisible obstacles that stand in our way. How we choose to handle these obstacles can often spell the difference between a peaceful divorce and a train wreck.

Some obstacles are everyday, common sense things that we already are somewhat familiar with. However, very few are understood how truly destructive they can be. Without some forewarning, we would normally ignore them and minimize their impact.

The following are the nine invisible barriers:

1. One of the parties does not want a divorce.
2. The parties have different decision-making styles.
3. We don't know how to get through to our spouse.
4. Feelings count more than the money.
5. Too much focus on finger-pointing.
6. Divorce papers make people upset.
7. A spouse is set on vengeance because of feelings of being wronged.
8. There is a misconception on what our rights are.
9. We underestimate the fury we may face.

For more information on each of these invisible barriers, please visit our blog at http://www.chicagodivorceattorney-blog.com/beware-the-unforseen-deal-killers/

Nine Invisible Barriers to a Civilized Divorce

Kari L. Cornelison is a family law attorney and mediator, who emphasizes the settlement approach to divorce. She and her partner serve the DuPage and Cook County areas. Their website is www.CivilizedDivorce.com. Visit their blog, ChicagoDivorceAttorney-Blog.com for more tips and information on what you can do before, during and after the divorce process.

Living Together In Divorce - The Need To Set Boundaries

Like so many divorcing couples throughout the world you have made a decision to stay together until what you both think is a suitable time to divorce and part for good. This can be because you want to sell your house, settle your combined debts or just live together so you can both raise your children.

In order to create a harmonious environment to co-exist in you will need to set some boundaries. Imagine an invisible line drawn around you which determines what you let in or out. The line is your boundary and if you're ex husband or wife walks over it carelessly you will need to tell them it is not acceptable.

Invisible Set

A situation where having clear boundaries in place could be your sleeping arrangements. If you have separate bedrooms and one partner thinks it is okay to come into your room when they feel like it you will have to firmly let them know they have crossed your boundary line. Make it clear you do not want to have to put a lock on your door but if your ex does not stop stepping over your boundaries you will be forced too.

Mutual respect is the name of the game here and never will it be as important as two ex married people living in the same house. You will have to define your boundaries at the beginning of your new living arrangement so there is confusion or unnecessary conflict.

Going from husband and wife to roommates is a huge adjustment so I have no doubt that at times you will challenge each other's boundaries.

If the word BOUNDARY was not been recognized in your marriage then the both of you could be in trouble as the lack of any boundary setting could be the reason you broke up. In some homes there is a more dominant partner who calls the shots while the more submissive partner does as they are told. If this was the status quo of your marriage then staying together will not work.

When verbalizing your feelings on a subject such as the sleeping arrangements talk gently but be assertive. Getting angry and saying things that are hurtful will only make the situation worse. Good communication is based on listening to what a person has to say and then them allowing you to do the same. It is not about name-calling and control tactics.

Another area you will need definition is in the continued raising of your children. If there is any debate you should take it away from the children who have possibly seen enough upset at the end of your marriage. You cannot get into heated arguments in front of your kids otherwise they will be better off living with one parent. The reasons you have chosen to stay together may be based on financial survival but please do not forget that your children will become victims if their parents chose to carry on a war in front of them. It is also abusive if you allow it to continue.

Remember you are getting a divorce eventually so try to relax.

No one said living together during a divorce would be easy but a level of maturity is needed to make it work. Each ex partner has to rise above any petty issues and respect each other's boundaries.

This could be a lesson for you both as you learn how to appreciate each other's right to their own way of thinking and doing things. Boundary setting in any kind of relationship is essential for a healthy and happy atmosphere. You need to understand that we all have our own unique ways of how we look at the world and our place in it.

In any relationship there has to be give and take but there also has to be forgiveness.

Copyright (c) 2010 Linda Cole

Living Together In Divorce - The Need To Set Boundaries

Are you on the brink of DIVORCE and worried about the future? Linda E Cole has written LIVING TOGETHER IN DIVORCE so you can learn how to make it work. This is MUST HAVE easy manual for SUCCESS. www.livingtogetherindivorce.com